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TD Micro: Hat Too Flat?

Date: 3/20/2010

Two Dukies  
Posted By: Matt (micropreramble, microcomments), duhomme (microcomments, microfissure)

Volume XIII, Episode 46
March 20, 2010

Matt’s comments in
duhomme's comments in red.

(9E) WAKE FOREST (20-10, 9-7) v. (1E) #2 KENTUCKY (33-2, 14-2 Southeastern East)

Well, I certainly apologize for having the audacity to pick Florida State and Clemson to advance, whereas Team Red and Team Violet a/k/a Team Should Clearly Have Her Own, Much Funnier Website neglected to do so, and were . . . abundantly correct.  What the deuce?  Uh, er . . . given that I maintain a three-game lead over Team Scarlet, it sure was nice to have the POWER OF ANTIWOOF to take out Purrrrrnell and Listless Len, wasn’t it?  [/revisionist history]  Or perhaps I really thought those goofs would win.  Who can tell?  In any case, I think everyone will agree that it may be time to reassess Oliver Purnell’s apparently lifetime contract.  I get that it’s difficult to recruit in Clemson (which is actually not fair at all - - the campus is really very attractive for anyone who checks it out), and Purnell is a very nice guy who does things the right way - - a necessary component for a program still digging its way out from under the aircraftcarrierloads of sleaze deposited into the local ecosystem by Cliff Ellis.  However, Oliver is just in over his head.  As for Florida State, I guess Gonzaga was better than I thought (they didn’t look like much against Duke back in December, but that was - - follow me here - - back in December), and of course, being able to place the orange inside the tin (an attribute utterly foreign to this season’s Semi-Null edition) is of enormous assistance in assembling a winning basketball team.  I have to tell you that I’m mostly thankful that Sunday’s edition will not feature seven games again; that was simply outrageous.

Speaking of outrageous, by this point I’m sure you’ve all seen the commercial for DirecTV’s March Madness package, featuring the face, voice, and oozing slime trail of . . . John Calipari.  Who wouldn’t want this whistle-clean dude as the face of your ad campaign, right?  Was Billy Mays unavailable?  [a nearby aide-de-camp whispers urgently]   Oh.  So, was John Edwards unavailable?  [aide remains motionless]   Right.  So here I am, getting lectured on how to watch television by the only guy to have made two Final Fours . . . and had them both vacated for recruiting violations that he clearly authored, initialed, signed, and notarized himself (hey, that’s another impropriety!).  Pretty smooth.  Should DirecTV have informed us all of the substantial likelihood that some sort of psionic repo man will be along in a couple of years to take back all the fun memories you had of overriding Gumball’s bizarre programming switches?  And listen, I suspect that Greg is just the fall guy, but cut him a break anyway - - he has to fend off two mouth-foaming haters of Duke University sitting just a few feet from his person.  Anyway, “Coach Cal” - - I’m so perturbed by this advertising atrocity that I’ve decided to unleash the best the ACC has to offer against you.

But first, here’s Wake Forest.  Suggesting that this team is one of the stupidest ever assembled is a little like suggesting that Toyota has a couple of public relations issues, Prius Apparent Faker Guy notwithstanding.  If Weak had lost to Texas, I was fairly sure that Dino Goonio was Dino Gonio - - but luckily for the Deeks, they ran into an even dumber collection of morons from the Big 12.  Yes, despite senior L.D. Williams running the baseline with 12.6 seconds left in regulation after the referee indicated a spot throw-in so clearly it could be observed from space, UTA managed to blow an eight-point OT lead with free throw shooting that would embarrass John Henson.  Then you just knew that trash-spewing little punk Ish Smith (seven assists, eight boners) was going to have the last word.  Sigh. 

It’s obvious even to this inhabitant of the clue-free zone that rebounding will be the key to this contest.  Despite barely managing to win, the Dorcs outboarded Texas - - are you ready for this one? - - 59-34 on Thursday night, and collected 19 scoreside bounds in the process, seven from Tony Woods.  To say that Damion James, who averaged 10.3 rpg over the course of the season, and 6-10 sentient fat cell Dexter Pittman were humiliated in this phase of the game would be understating the matter a bit.  So how will Wake’s steel-bellied squeegeemen fare against the Vilecats?  Well, 6-10 freshman DeMarcus Cousins ranked second in the country - - behind some obviously awesome dude named Zoubek - - in offensive rebounding percentage this season, and 6-9 junior P-Pat and 6-10 freshman Daniel Orton are also fairly impressive on the window.  Kentucky isn’t a good free-throw shooting or three-point shooting team (for all the ceaseless hype about John Wall, he can’t consistently shoot from any kind of range), they’re not strong with the ball and they don’t force turnovers - - but none of these ample deficiencies actually plays into Wake’s strengths.  Wake’s best bet is to bait the ridiculously immature Cousins and/or the despicable Eric Bledsoe (thankyouthankyouthankyou to Coach K and staff for not considering this guy more extensively) into a technical foul or two, then go from there.  Or they could really crash the backboards, play some zone (does Edward James Almost even know what this is?) and try to force 6-7 sophomores Darnell Dodson and Darius Miller, the real arc specialists, to beat them from range.          

Please understand the impossible dilemma of this game.  Of course I want Ken*ucky out of the Tournament, but I don’t need the WFU administration signing Craterface to a ten-year contract extension right after he pulls the upset.  Sounds improbable, I know, but so was hiring this fetid cretin in the first place.  Look, Williams, Smith, and (as Dick Enberg would say) “Amino” each played at least 41 minutes on Thursday, and facing a much deeper, although substantially flawed and callow, Lexington Mildkitten team, I have to give the edge to the latter.     

Kentucky 88, Wake Forest 82.   

While watching yesterday’s game between Morgan State and West Virginia, I realized that with Todd Bozoman and Bob Hugsandkissesins in the same gym, there was so much toxic sleaze being emitted that HAZMAT teams were being airlifted in to contain the contamination. Fortunately, they not only stayed overnight, but called in reinforcements as today features an insidious being who is the result of an experiment in which government scientists combined the DNA of Jerry Tarkanian, Steve Fischer, Tom Penders, Eddie Sutton and Karl Hobbs to see what would happen. Most of those responsible for this travesty are awaiting trial for Crimes Against Basketball.

(When you have some spare time, read this wonderful piece that makes the case for why Kentucky won’t win the title this year. The reasoning is that even if they collect the trophy in a couple of weeks, eventually the season will be forfeited as the NCAA finds out about some rule-breakerage ushered in by the Calipari regime. Of course, this will happen about 90 seconds after the crook has departed Lexington to coach in the NBA.)

On the other side of the negotiating table is Wake Forest and Some Guy who occasionally says something to the players during a game. Only, they respond by chuckling, winking at each other, mockingly pretend to nod in agreement before walking away making dismissive “whatever” hand gestures. I have it on good authority (that’s code for “I totally made this up”) that minutes after CBS announced that Bake Borefest was in the field of 65, members of the selection committee began to send each other text messages along the lines of: “Dude, I was being sarcastic.” “So was I.” “You chuckleheads, how on earch did you take me seriously?” “Holy s#%t! What did we just do?!”

That’s going to have to do it for me. I had wild ideas of putting my Duke recap in this edition but would rather watch the rest of the action. Before I go, heed the upcoming announcement:


[horn sounds] If you are in need of eliminating 40 percent of a deficit in one day, I now have a way.

83, Wake Forest 70.

Last Edition
Matt 4-3
duhomme 6-1
Guest (CDG) 6-1

Matt 88-43
duhomme 85-46
Guests 13-3


View more articles from this category


Posted by: Brett Date: 3/21/2010 10:36:40 PM  
Nice W.

I predict that the term plumlee-oop will be thrown around (so to speak) a lot next season and see no reason why we shouldn't start in houston.

For those who haven't had the pleasure of being "inspired" by coach cleetus during breaks in the online on-demand action the link is here:


Posted by: Andrew Hicks Date: 3/21/2010 7:55:58 AM  
I have followed UNI's fortunes all year, and was not very surprised at yesterday's result. Jacobson is a good coach, and UNI is a good team. But it seemed to me that KU didn't take them seriously until about midway through the second half, when they started to realize "Gee, we might lose this one."

Some of it might have been scouting on the one hand, and lack of it on the other; UNI was well prepared to keep Kansas from fast break points, create turnovers, and box out on the boards. Kansas should have picked up that UNI is very suspect against the press. If KU had come out from the opening tip with the pressure defense that they applied late in the game, it would have been over by halftime.

The crazy thing is that UNI could have played better. Ahelegbe, one of their main scorers, went 1-11, though he played his usual good floor game with five assists to two turnovers. The UNI network radio broadcasters named Jake Koch, redshirt freshman, the player of the game, and I agree. He had lots more minutes than usual, and got the job done late in the game against the press and from the line (7-10 for the game, several of those at critical points).

The timeout at the 11:37 mark right when KU was applying the press and had scored four quick points off turnovers was crucial. And Farokhmanesh's huge (and wide-open) three in the final seconds -- his first basket of the second half after six or seven misses -- that was a KU defensive lapse, or maybe another scouting lapse. Even though he was having trouble with his shot in the second half, you no more leave him open for a crunch-time three than you would Scheyer. Farok is the leading three-point shooter of the starters both in percentage and number made, and he has a way of hitting them at key times.

Michigan State would give UNI fits, if they get by Maryland today. If not, I think UNI will hand the Terps their collective heads on a platter.

Posted by: SanFranSoxFan Date: 3/21/2010 12:50:01 AM  
Ok, "mcfarawayland" is priceless. Thanks, duhomme.

As to #1 seeds departing the first weekend... may we have seen our 1 AND ONLY bracket buster go, please (wait, I guess lots had Louisville over Duke?). I know K won't look ahead, nor will the Seniors. Let's hope Dre plays within himself - he didn't look ready on Friday and I think Duke needs him Sunday.

Posted by: duhomme Date: 3/20/2010 10:50:24 PM  
hell, matt, the way schools in this conference are acting, wake would probably replace him with mcfarawayland.

Posted by: Matt Date: 3/20/2010 10:08:43 PM  
LOL at this asinine blowout. Wake has got to be the dumbest, most defense-allergic team I've ever seen. Maybe THIS embarassment will get Goonio relieved of duty. Wow, Mississippi State must be *really* good! Oh, wait . . . nope.

Posted by: Serious G Date: 3/20/2010 8:36:53 PM  
C'mon Devils, keep it up! Get a big win over Cal tomorrow, move onto the round of 16.

Great set of games today.

Posted by: CDG Date: 3/20/2010 8:33:56 PM  
Dear Duke:

We love you. We think you are amazing. Now prove it by doing what Matt asks.



A fan.

Posted by: Matt Date: 3/20/2010 8:19:41 PM  
Dear Duke:

Please sack up and keep winning. The field is, shall we say, opening a bit.

Posted by: Fats "Lazer" Durston Date: 3/20/2010 7:59:01 PM  
Allahu Akbar!

Posted by: CDG Date: 3/20/2010 7:57:35 PM  
I am at the Canadian Final Four but have been following the scores from my iPhone. Wow! Brackets busted anyone??? Heeheehee...

Posted by: Matt Date: 3/20/2010 6:58:21 PM  
Brett, thanks for the comment. Do you have a link to that ad? I've never heard of it before, but it sounds priceless.

Posted by: Matt Date: 3/20/2010 6:49:59 PM  
SFSF - - unlikely, as NSCU is trailing the Blazers 64-41 with under five minutes remaining. I will not miss this particular NCSU edition, nor did I relish the idea of NCCH having a third-round bye to Madison Square Cameron.

Posted by: Brett Date: 3/20/2010 3:19:04 PM  
you thought coach clap's commercial was ironic?

how about ol' roy being called upon to talk about "inspiration" for some car company? If any coach this season has demonstrated an inability to inspire his team...

Also begs the question as to when he elected to take on this commercial opportunity: before or after he began comparing his pinky finger to the north carolina fanbase?

Posted by: Dave Clark Date: 3/20/2010 2:20:34 PM  
Good call on Cousins' 'tude. Poutiest player in college hoops. Additionally, no one seems to note the spare tire he's acquired over the course of the year.

Posted by: SanFranSoxFan Date: 3/20/2010 2:11:15 PM  
Matt, you indid yourself last picks (so far). CDG - awesum haiku's - I tried to write one to express my admiration but those suckers are hard! For news of the day (since Duke is not playing today), will UNC-CH's win (Larry Drew bank with 2 seconds left) set up an epic UNC-CH/NCSU matchup in Carmichael? Let's all pull for the Wolfpack whenever they play their next NIT game.

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