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TD: My Old Tool

Date: 3/16/2010

Two Dukies  
Posted By: Matt (preramble, comments, Guadalajara not doing now), duhomme (comments, sense of smell)

Volume XIII, Episode 44
March 16, 2010

Matt’s comments in
duhomme's comments in red.

(6ST) NORTH CAROLINA STATE (19-15, 5-11) @ (3ST) SOUTH FLORIDA (20-12, 9-9 Big East)

I have absolutely no idea what NCSU is doing in the NIT field, and even less of an idea of why Miami is missing, although I imagine the potential preseason-Top 25 Hurryclowns (you never know), having hade it halfway toward their goal of winning four games in four days in Greensboro and making the NCAAs, turned down the opportunity to participate in any postseason tournaments.  The big task here for NCSU, which was its typical self in squandering several golden opportunities to beat GIT in the ACC semis, is somehow to contain Bulls star Dominique Jones, a 6-4 junior guard who averaged 21.3 ppg, 6.2 rpg, 3.7 apg (against 3.0 tpg), and 1.7 spg, and shot .451/.753/.311.  South Florida has an excellent home court advantage at the Sun Dome, and will likely find the Pack’s low-wattage approach to the game endearing - - USF ranked 338th, out of 347 Div I-schedule teams, in three-point shooting, and was fairly mediocre at he stripe as well (68.2%).  Fourth sentence to suggest that we shouldn’t count on a lot of scoring in this one.  Fifth sentence to remind everyone that while NCSU may feature redjacketed freaks wearing candy canes as ties, USF’s roster sports a true celebrity, 6-11 junior and Bronx product Jarrid Famous. 

South Florida 66, North Carolina State 63.      

South Florida 76, North Carolina State 70.

(5ST) WILLIAM & MARY (22-10, 12-6 Colonial Athletic) @ (4ST) NORTH CAROLINA-CHAPEL HILL (16-16, 5-11)

My Old Tool (D. Fagen, W. Becker, M. TwoDukies)

[horns, guitar]
[vocals enter so you can follow along]

I remember the thirty-five sweet white lies
When Steve Kirschner claimed that Ginyard screamed with a bad hangnail
It was still December
And Jay Bilas was quite surprised
Ty watched us lose to C of C from the county jail

Rrhoid was . . . joking with Roger Ayers
While they . . . reminisced of bug-eyed stares
But then - - oh, no
William & Mary won’t do, now

Well I did not think a Ford
Would need Jeff’s “fuel”
But Phil had never been so slack
With his old . . . Tool

[guitar-horns duel between Grandpa Gut and Matt Doherty]

Playin’ in Flanders - - D. Thompson’s wet dream no more
Even if he moves around like he wears chain mail
Roid’s outmanned here
It couldn’t get worse, he swore
Gotta get that suit dry cleaned before Davis bails

Well I heard Karl’s whistle on that cross-court throw
I think Drew . . . mailed that pass to Mexico
I said - - whoa, no
Four-hour boners won’t do, now

Now I did not picture Graves
In Istanbul
But there’s quite a lack of sac
With these poor Tools     

[serial guitar solo by Robert John Frasor, riffing on his axe]

California” asks to be called Berkeley
That’ll be the day I go back to Chappaheeya
Tried to warn you
About blow bought from Papa Green 
That dadgum little finger coached, but to no avail

Some guy . . . dodged a missile in the eighteenth row
Right after . . . Phone Pole tried his first free throw
I said - - whoa no
Stick-figure physics won’t do, now

Well I thought Roy signed the Wears
For April Fool
But they’re never goin’ back
To my old - - Tools!   

[extended instrumental out-out-out-outro]

North Carolina-Chapel Hill 60, William & Mary 59.

Well, I went and promised to finish my Nirvana parody if the Hoots accepted an NIT bid.  Lo and behold they did, and a number of you said you enjoyed the first installment. Since Kurt Cobain’s estate hasn’t gotten around to requesting a preliminary injunction preventing me from making good on my offer, here is the complete version.  Plus, I checked my contract with Dukies.com and, if I do the whole song in this edition, I get to post score predictions only for the other “action” in this edition.  Nice!

As per usual, here is a link to the original, so you can crank it up at the office, sing along and begin clearing out your desk.


“Sign up some stiffs, buuuut no guards
And staarrrt the year, ohhh-ver-ranked.
Your team will quit and waaaant to leave 
So cryyyy and drool and rollll your eyes

A loss, a loss, a loss, bad toss.
A loss, a loss, a loss, faux hawks.
A loss, a loss, a loss, miss Laws.
A loss, a loss, a loss …

[Serious guitar and snare drum action]

When his team sucks, Roy will lose it!
He might say f**k, goofball nitwit!
N-I-T field, will you risk it?
Sen-ior mem-ber, of the 
Drew please don’t throw.
De-on Thumbo!
Fans a no-show.
Not Roy’s fault, though!

[even more badass guitar work.]

A year so bad, that Royoooyyy
Would raaaather beee the victim of a quake.
Exactly how, he liiiinnnks the two
Shows just how far he’s lost his mind.

No wins, no wins, no wins, weak twins.
No wins, no wins, no wins, hair fins.
No wins, no wins, no wins, warped tins.
No wins, no wins, no wins …

[Serious guitar and snare drum action]

The worst season, since Matt Do’h coached!
Can they find the, newest Hansbrough?!
Will they lean on, Tyler Greedo?!
A big thanks to, ClemsonGuest-o!
Ginyard’s farewell.
Henson’s fat cells!
Winning cold spell.
Who’s Marc Campbell?!

[a guitar solo that clearly demonstrate’s Cobain’s musical talent was concentrated in rhythm guitar.]

And now it’s time, to plaayyyy a tribe
Befooorrrre a crowd of seeeeventeen.
Thanks to Roy, the faaans got screeeewwwed
Eeeeven worse, than Phil Ford’s wife.

William, William, William, Mary.
William, William, William, Ed flees.
William, William, William, shaming
William, William, William …

If they somehow, win this tourney!
Will they display, the lame trophy?!
And will Roy say, he’s now won three?!
Won’t the banner, look real sil-ly?!
shoo-ting hurts.
’s weird out-bursts!
Los-ses a first.
Don’t make T-shirts!

Where’s Roy’s mar-bles?
Where’s Roy’s mar-bles?
Where’s Roy’s mar-bles?
Where’s Roy’s mar-bles?
Where’s Roy’s mar-bles?
Where’s Roy’s mar-bles?
Where’s Roy’s mar-bles?
Where’s Roy’s mar-bles?
Where’s Roy’s mar-bllllllllllllllllllllllllllles?”

William & Mary 73, North Carolina-Chapel Hill 72.

(8BL) QUINNIPIAC (23-9, 15-3 Northeast) @ (1BL) VIRGINIA TECH (23-8, 10-6)

The Q-Pac Bobcats of Hamden, Connecticut benefit from that cool rule that any regular season conference champion that doesn’t get an NCAA bid automatically qualifies for the NIT, and as their reward - - what ho!  It’s perennial NCAA manqués the VPI Hokies, sadly missing out again as a result of the Selectostiffs’ doctoral thesis, Do Not Attempt to Game This Process By Scheduling Laughably, Uncle Fester.  But the NIT stepped in, and the Bald Bastard of Blacksburg - - soon, I hope I hope I hope, to be the Bald Bastard of Jamaica, NY - - has his own region, which I’ve dubbed the Blacksburg Region since the NIT was actually calling them the “Upper Right” bracket and so on.  Uh, lame much?  The Q-Poll says - - and it's unanimous - - five sentences don’t make a right.

Virginia Tech 75, Quinnipiac 54.     

Sorry, Reema. I flaked out on this one, and you deserve better. I’ll make it up to you.

Virginia Tech 75, Quinnipiac 68.

(9E) WAKE FOREST (19-10, 9-7) v. (8E) TEXAS-AUSTIN (24-9, 9-7 Big 12)

Meet it is that the postseason schedule dictated our inclusion of Wake Forest in this NIT-heavy edition - - because that’s where the Deeks should have ended up.  Instead, they draw this matchup, against the lowest-seeded team ever to have occupied the top spot in the Top 20/25 rankings at any time during the season.  (FREE SENTENCES ON EDIT - - BZZZZZZZZZZZZT!!   Alabama-Tuscaloosa was #1 for two weeks, in the Associated Guess polls issued on December 24 and December 31 of 2002, and ended up with a 10 seed in the 2003 NCAA Tournament at 17-12, losing to Indiana in the first round.  Ouch!  Texas has the next-worst NCAA seed for a team ranked at #1 at any time in the same season.  And thanks to eagle-eyed SEC Correspondent Dave Clark for catching my error.)  Texas truly collapsed down the stretch, going 7-9 after a 17-0 start, and the loss to injury of junior point guard Dogus the Bogus Balbay didn’t help.  Still, this is a team with a pair of senior stars - - 6-7 senior Damion James (18.0 ppg, 10.4 rpg, 1.6 spg, 1.2 bpg, .509/.667/.402) and 6-10 Dexter Pittman (10.6 ppg, 5.8 rpg, 1.9 bpg, 66.2% FG) - - a chip on its shoulder after having lost so many games to what it views as elite competition, and a real coach.  Fifth sentence - - while Wake dropped five of six down the stretch and was absolutely totaled by Miami in the ACC quarters, it's true that the Deeks do have talent - - but Texas simply has more, and Barnes has forgotten more about coaching than Edward James Almost will ever trip over.  

Texas-Austin 78, Wake Forest 72.      

When this is the lede for your program’s gamenotes, expectations have been not only lowered, but stomped on and then immersed 10 feet underground in concrete: “Wake Forest is set to make its second straight NCAA Tournament appearance when the ninth-seeded Demon Deacons take on the eighth-seeded Texas Longhorns on Thursday evening in New Orleans.” Regardless of what you think of Rick Barnes, he is 450 times the coach than the fellow in Winston-Salem who recently taped several PSAs detailing the danger of driving a convertible behind a gravel truck.

Texas-Austin 77, Wake Forest 70.

Last Edition:
Matt 1-0
duhomme 1-0
Guests 0-0

Matt 82-38
duhomme 78-42
Guests 7-2


View more articles from this category


Posted by: mark Date: 3/18/2010 10:43:34 PM  
matt, any word in the piedmont law community concerning jay bilas' feelings of no unc in the ncaa tourney? it's gotta be hard on him.

Posted by: Thomas Rutledge Date: 3/17/2010 2:40:12 PM  
The real problem with Cryolina's win is that they will NOT have a losing record. The worst they can do now is back to .500... :-(

Posted by: SanFranSoxFan Date: 3/17/2010 11:12:08 AM  
Great stats Andrew, and agreed on Carmichael memories (thanks to the generosity of several Carolina gals, I was able to catch a few games over my 4 years at State). The place rocked - like Cameron decibel level - and was good for 3 buckets a game over the Dump Dome - so if anyone wants to run that analysis of what that impact would have been on their W-L record, it would be interesting. Certainly any Duke win of less than 6 points at DESC is suspect if the game had been played in Carmichael.

Here's something interesting. My twelve-year old discovered DukeBluePlanet.com (I'm sure everyone here knows the site, but I'm Carmichael old!). Anyhow, Singler and Dawkins give the top 10 plays of the ACC tourney, and Andre introduces himself as "Dre" and Singler calls him same in conversation as well as referring to him during clips. So I guess our guy Dawkins really is "Dre."

Posted by: Andrew Hicks Date: 3/17/2010 9:58:25 AM  
UNC-CH played what for them is a good game: 49% from the field, 18-26 from the line, strong games by Thompson, Ginyard, and Zeller, ten rebounds for Hensen.

At home. In historic Carmichael (boy, that brought back memories).

And it was still barely enough to get by W&M.

Enjoy your trip to Starkville, fellas.

Posted by: El Guapito Date: 3/16/2010 10:18:10 PM  
I know that Matt does not get into recruiting, but you have got to love the past week, especially the pick-up today of Felix. What a difference Nate James has been! The Heels suck, Duke is picking up good recruits, and have the #1 seed in the South! Back to the Future. Great time to be a Duke fan.

Posted by: duhomme Date: 3/16/2010 8:26:06 PM  
"Google the ex-wrestler "Giant Gonzalez" and see if he resembles anyone near and dear to you."

That is simply awesome and I suggest everyone do the same.

Posted by: Matt Date: 3/16/2010 6:54:42 PM  
Matt J - - yes! I think KY is very, very beatable. And not just by Texas.

I think it was Texas' inclusion as KY's seeded second-round matchup that started Lexington whiners carping about their difficult draw. And it is difficult, tee hee. :) We might have seen Texas in the second round ourselves, except that we just left that party.

Posted by: Matt Jervey Date: 3/16/2010 6:25:16 PM  
Does anyone else think that Texas can beat Kentucky? Although it was early in the season, Kentucky only beat Miami (Ohio) and Cryolina by 2 at home. They beat UConn by 3 on a neutral site and went to overtime against Stanford.

Posted by: Fats "Lazer" Durston Date: 3/16/2010 5:07:35 PM  
The Texas free-fall: it's as though they've been possessed by the Ghost of Recent Clemson Past.

Posted by: Dave Clark Date: 3/16/2010 3:31:06 PM  
I wouldn't kick myself for missing Alabama's brief stint at #1 in 2003. That season was all over the place; if you recall, Duke even made it to the top of the polls for a while. Not a bad Duke team, of course, but not exactly an all-timer.

Posted by: ClemsonGuest Date: 3/16/2010 3:20:02 PM  
duhomme, no need for further credit on Greedo Zeller this year. It's an honor to have an influence on you. (BTW, Google the ex-wrestler "Giant Gonzalez" and see if he resembles anyone near and dear to you.)

Looking forward to seeing what the two of you come up with Friday for UA-Pine Bluff or Winthrop. I was really hoping Coastal would beat Winthrop in the Big South; good luck Cliff and the Chanticleers in the NIT.

Posted by: SanFranSoxFan Date: 3/16/2010 2:04:29 PM  
Matt, duhomme - thanks guys! 3 of the best parodies ever, and in less than 3 weeks? Wow. Regarding tonight's match up in Carmichael between the defending National Champions (I believe it is now official - "2 in Six years," which while still impressive, ain't "Five," and appears to be free-falling), I have mixed feelings - joy and happiness. Regardless of outcome. They earned it (well, not home court advantage), they deserve it, and dadgummit, they belong in the NIT (sorta)!

Posted by: Matt Date: 3/16/2010 1:39:35 PM  
Thanks, Josh! I didn't think I had any kind of effort left in me, and it has more than a few flaws, but I'm very very glad you enjoyed.

Posted by: Matt Date: 3/16/2010 1:38:46 PM  
And, Dave, you are absolutely right! Texas has the second-lowest ever. I should have fact-checked that better. Thanks for the correction. Turnover Matt, and your ball out of bounds. :)

Posted by: Dave Clark Date: 3/16/2010 1:22:56 PM  
"Instead, they draw this matchup, against the lowest-seeded team ever to have occupied the top spot in the Top 20/25 rankings at any time during the season. "

Tweet! Alabama 2002-2003 ended up a 10 seed.

Posted by: Josh Date: 3/16/2010 12:48:53 PM  
WOW! I have to admit, I started thinking of my own little parody verses of "My Old School" after going through the comments on the last post, and this version just blows them out of the water. You truly are the master, sir.

And I'd be remiss if I didn't give duhomme some love for the rest of "Smells Like Heel Spirit," too. The first verse would have been more than enough, but you have topped yourself again.

I might actually root for the Tools to stay alive in the NIT for awhile!

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