TWO DUKIES PICK THE ACC
Volume XIII, Episode 46
March 20, 2010
NO GOOD CAN COME OF THIS EDITION
Matt’s comments in blue.
duhomme's comments in red.
(9E) WAKE FOREST (20-10, 9-7) v. (1E) #2 KENTUCKY (33-2, 14-2 Southeastern East)
Well, I certainly apologize for having the audacity to pick Florida State and Clemson to advance, whereas Team Red and Team Violet a/k/a Team Should Clearly Have Her Own, Much Funnier Website neglected to do so, and were . . . abundantly correct. What the deuce? Uh, er . . . given that I maintain a three-game lead over Team Scarlet, it sure was nice to have the POWER OF ANTIWOOF to take out Purrrrrnell and Listless Len, wasn’t it? [/revisionist history] Or perhaps I really thought those goofs would win. Who can tell? In any case, I think everyone will agree that it may be time to reassess Oliver Purnell’s apparently lifetime contract. I get that it’s difficult to recruit in Clemson (which is actually not fair at all - - the campus is really very attractive for anyone who checks it out), and Purnell is a very nice guy who does things the right way - - a necessary component for a program still digging its way out from under the aircraftcarrierloads of sleaze deposited into the local ecosystem by Cliff Ellis. However, Oliver is just in over his head. As for Florida State, I guess Gonzaga was better than I thought (they didn’t look like much against Duke back in December, but that was - - follow me here - - back in December), and of course, being able to place the orange inside the tin (an attribute utterly foreign to this season’s Semi-Null edition) is of enormous assistance in assembling a winning basketball team. I have to tell you that I’m mostly thankful that Sunday’s edition will not feature seven games again; that was simply outrageous.
Speaking of outrageous, by this point I’m sure you’ve all seen the commercial for DirecTV’s March Madness package, featuring the face, voice, and oozing slime trail of . . . John Calipari. Who wouldn’t want this whistle-clean dude as the face of your ad campaign, right? Was Billy Mays unavailable? [a nearby aide-de-camp whispers urgently] Oh. So, was John Edwards unavailable? [aide remains motionless] Right. So here I am, getting lectured on how to watch television by the only guy to have made two Final Fours . . . and had them both vacated for recruiting violations that he clearly authored, initialed, signed, and notarized himself (hey, that’s another impropriety!). Pretty smooth. Should DirecTV have informed us all of the substantial likelihood that some sort of psionic repo man will be along in a couple of years to take back all the fun memories you had of overriding Gumball’s bizarre programming switches? And listen, I suspect that Greg is just the fall guy, but cut him a break anyway - - he has to fend off two mouth-foaming haters of Duke University sitting just a few feet from his person. Anyway, “Coach Cal” - - I’m so perturbed by this advertising atrocity that I’ve decided to unleash the best the ACC has to offer against you.
But first, here’s Wake Forest. Suggesting that this team is one of the stupidest ever assembled is a little like suggesting that Toyota has a couple of public relations issues, Prius Apparent Faker Guy notwithstanding. If Weak had lost to Texas, I was fairly sure that Dino Goonio was Dino Gonio - - but luckily for the Deeks, they ran into an even dumber collection of morons from the Big 12. Yes, despite senior L.D. Williams running the baseline with 12.6 seconds left in regulation after the referee indicated a spot throw-in so clearly it could be observed from space, UTA managed to blow an eight-point OT lead with free throw shooting that would embarrass John Henson. Then you just knew that trash-spewing little punk Ish Smith (seven assists, eight boners) was going to have the last word. Sigh.
It’s obvious even to this inhabitant of the clue-free zone that rebounding will be the key to this contest. Despite barely managing to win, the Dorcs outboarded Texas - - are you ready for this one? - - 59-34 on Thursday night, and collected 19 scoreside bounds in the process, seven from Tony Woods. To say that Damion James, who averaged 10.3 rpg over the course of the season, and 6-10 sentient fat cell Dexter Pittman were humiliated in this phase of the game would be understating the matter a bit. So how will Wake’s steel-bellied squeegeemen fare against the Vilecats? Well, 6-10 freshman DeMarcus Cousins ranked second in the country - - behind some obviously awesome dude named Zoubek - - in offensive rebounding percentage this season, and 6-9 junior P-Pat and 6-10 freshman Daniel Orton are also fairly impressive on the window. Kentucky isn’t a good free-throw shooting or three-point shooting team (for all the ceaseless hype about John Wall, he can’t consistently shoot from any kind of range), they’re not strong with the ball and they don’t force turnovers - - but none of these ample deficiencies actually plays into Wake’s strengths. Wake’s best bet is to bait the ridiculously immature Cousins and/or the despicable Eric Bledsoe (thankyouthankyouthankyou to Coach K and staff for not considering this guy more extensively) into a technical foul or two, then go from there. Or they could really crash the backboards, play some zone (does Edward James Almost even know what this is?) and try to force 6-7 sophomores Darnell Dodson and Darius Miller, the real arc specialists, to beat them from range.
Please understand the impossible dilemma of this game. Of course I want Ken*ucky out of the Tournament, but I don’t need the WFU administration signing Craterface to a ten-year contract extension right after he pulls the upset. Sounds improbable, I know, but so was hiring this fetid cretin in the first place. Look, Williams, Smith, and (as Dick Enberg would say) “Amino” each played at least 41 minutes on Thursday, and facing a much deeper, although substantially flawed and callow, Lexington Mildkitten team, I have to give the edge to the latter.
Kentucky 88, Wake Forest 82.
While watching yesterday’s game between Morgan State and West Virginia, I realized that with Todd Bozoman and Bob Hugsandkissesins in the same gym, there was so much toxic sleaze being emitted that HAZMAT teams were being airlifted in to contain the contamination. Fortunately, they not only stayed overnight, but called in reinforcements as today features an insidious being who is the result of an experiment in which government scientists combined the DNA of Jerry Tarkanian, Steve Fischer, Tom Penders, Eddie Sutton and Karl Hobbs to see what would happen. Most of those responsible for this travesty are awaiting trial for Crimes Against Basketball.
(When you have some spare time, read this wonderful piece that makes the case for why Kentucky won’t win the title this year. The reasoning is that even if they collect the trophy in a couple of weeks, eventually the season will be forfeited as the NCAA finds out about some rule-breakerage ushered in by the Calipari regime. Of course, this will happen about 90 seconds after the crook has departed Lexington to coach in the NBA.)
On the other side of the negotiating table is Wake Forest and Some Guy who occasionally says something to the players during a game. Only, they respond by chuckling, winking at each other, mockingly pretend to nod in agreement before walking away making dismissive “whatever” hand gestures. I have it on good authority (that’s code for “I totally made this up”) that minutes after CBS announced that Bake Borefest was in the field of 65, members of the selection committee began to send each other text messages along the lines of: “Dude, I was being sarcastic.” “So was I.” “You chuckleheads, how on earch did you take me seriously?” “Holy s#%t! What did we just do?!”
That’s going to have to do it for me. I had wild ideas of putting my Duke recap in this edition but would rather watch the rest of the action. Before I go, heed the upcoming announcement:
“INSIDE JOKE ABOUT TO ENTER THE STATION. PLEASE STAND BACK FROM THE PLATFORM.”
[horn sounds] If you are in need of eliminating 40 percent of a deficit in one day, I now have a way.
Kentucky 83, Wake Forest 70.
Guest (CDG) 6-1